Echoes of Silence

I skipped along, marching step for step.                                    

My tiny hand curled around your finger tight.                            

Innocent and bright-eyed, happy and free,                                            

Every time I looked up at you,                                                 

I saw you smile down at me.                                                                

A vision flashed across my eye, I didn’t care,             

With mindless abandon of youth, I took flight,                                        

Not a glance back,  excited,  exploring without fear,                              .

Silence closed behind me, I looked around in trepidity.               

My eyes searched for you, your warmth and safety…               

“I’m always here”, you called; your arms around me.                                       

The dreams grew bigger, and so much more real,                                 

Those rainbows beckoned, me, willing but unsure.                                          

You held my hand- as we walked down that aisle,                             

Every step forward, many steps back in time.                             

I sought your eyes, seeking assurance.                                      

You let go my hand, but said : “you’ll always be mine….”                                    

I let life embrace me, without a thought of you                                           

And you nudged me on- with your smile and words.                             

Everyday was an adventure; my love was new.

When I did look back, it was already too late                                       

You’d stepped over that Precipice, towards Unknown.                              

“Let me go”, your eyes said….”don’t make me wait”.                                   

I’ve tried many years, to let you go.                                                      

Everyday I’m haunted by your voice, your silence.                

Inside of me I see you – fragments of truth; or my imagination?

You’ve faded away like a thought, a breath;

In my heart, you live- my love, my joy and my revelation.  _________________________________________________

I was a shy, sensitive kid who did not know how to express herself,  or her emotions verbally.  My dad taught me how to write. Himself a very good poet, he spent hours teaching me the nuances of tuk and taal (rhyme and rhythm) in poetry. He saw potential in me, and encouraged me to nurture my writing. I was more of a prose person though, and didn't do much with poetry. I think he was fairly disappointed, and yet proud whenever I did write.

Over the years, writing has provided me with an outlet to all-consuming ; indescribable emotions.   I started to write again privately, after a considerably long time, to ease some of my pain - the pain of losing my dad. I can tell you from experience that nothing is as heart-breaking as making the decision to let go of hope. August 17th 2006, my brother and I made that decision. We didn't have the heart to take him off of life support for 4 more days.. even after hearing the inevitable, we expected a miracle. It was finally over on Aug 21st, but in essence he was gone on the 17th.

Five years on, I've tried to write my first poem in many, many years. One stanza for every year I've missed him. One stanza for every feeling that I associate him with - love, support, hope, loneliness and inspiration. And one attempt at poetry just for him. It isn't much- but it is for him; and me.